Sometimes I think that I completely understand why people profess to hate the holidays.
I am sick of hearing Christmas music already.
I am tired of feeling torn between different factions of my family as to where and with whom I will spend the actual day of Christmas.
Many years ago the local paper used to print a crime map of the previous weeks criminal activity in my city.
It was remarkable how the number of domestic violence calls increasingly escalated between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I do believe that the holidays increase stress, and eating and a plethora of other issues.
It is OK to make the choice to participate to the amount that is tolerable emotionally. What is hard is people who push and nag for me to attend holiday events when I'm just not feeling like I can tolerate the festivities.
This will be my first Christmas since my brother commited suicide. When I was in college and took psychology classes it was usually considered "normal" to have grief over the death of a family member for one year. The thinking behind the one year is that by then survivors have made it through all of the holidays without the family member.
My Dad's wife sent me an email Sunday that read that my Dad is going down hill fast and the Hospice nurse does not expect him to live through the holidays.
Either way when my Dad passes the clock on that year of living with grief will tick back to zero and I feel just incredulous about this event.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
times and people change
I blogged for a couple of years using a different blog title.
My life became overwhelming and some of the blog posts in my former blog were no longer healthy to have around and read, and then re-read.
Sort of continuing to relive some traumatic life events. Re-reading a novel where I always wanted the ending to be different, but I was not an author in control and other people make choices that I am unable to reverse.
A family suicide, a near death event that left a beloved in Hospice awaiting the end of their time here in person.
I frequently am amazed at coincidences that occur in my world. Perhaps coincidence is not the correct term to describe what I mean either.
Last week current GF and I went out to eat. We went to a restaurant that is located only a few miles away from the house that I have lived in for more than four years.
I had never eaten in that restaurant before. In fact, without GFs prodding I probably still would never have eaten in that restaurant.
We wandered in and took an inordinately long amount of time perusing the menu. Many menu items seemed to be appealing and it was hard to choose just one.
The day before I had woken up in the morning thinking about my GF just prior to the current one. Not in a loving or I miss her kind of way. I was thinking about how she had likely followed me on my previous blog as she knew about the old one. I think that she was following what was going on in my life by reading that blog. About two months or so after I killed that blog she suddenly called and left a very apologetic message for prior events. However, I knew her for enough time to know that she uses apologies as a way to insert herself back into the life of someone whom she has wronged in one of a variety of different manners. I once heard her on her cell phone trying that technique with an old friend from high school. The former GF is so toxic that finally the high school friend did not fall for her attempt to re-initiate contact.
Short story long was that I had woken up that morning thinking about how I had deleted that message from my cell phone just recently. Listening to her syrupy voice attempting to reel me in again like a fly to sugar was just nauseating.
I should have taken the thinking about her cell phone message as a fair warning from my psyche.
Why you might ask?
Because the very next day current GF and I go to this restaurant that I have avoided for years, and who walks out from one of the tables located in the back smoking section but crazy syrup voice girl. She gave me a longer than needed look I think to make sure that I was paying attention. She then tossed her head and hair as if to remind me that I was missing what she considers to be some juicy goodness...e.g..herself. Then she proceeded to leave followed by her step-siblings, her husband, and her mother and step-dad.
Current GF became quite upset and had a bout of what if you want to leave me to go back to her emotions. I'm not sure that I ever was fully able to convince current GF that reuniting with former GF is not even remotely on any map for my future.
Former GF does not even live in the same state as me any longer, yet, what a coincidence to see her at that once visited restaurant. Current GF says she will never have an appetite to eat at the place again.
Sort of sad as she originally wanted to eat there as that restaurant had been getting some good reviews in local publications. They also had the best onion rings that I have ever eaten.
Perhaps smart reader you also noticed that as former GF left she was followed out by her "husband." She married a dude and I was so happy to see them still together.
Hopefully she will stay on that side of the fence and unsuspecting lesbians country wide will be spared the possibility of having any type of relationship with her.
Remember, if you hear a syrupy sappy voice move quickly to an exit and be grateful to escape.
My life became overwhelming and some of the blog posts in my former blog were no longer healthy to have around and read, and then re-read.
Sort of continuing to relive some traumatic life events. Re-reading a novel where I always wanted the ending to be different, but I was not an author in control and other people make choices that I am unable to reverse.
A family suicide, a near death event that left a beloved in Hospice awaiting the end of their time here in person.
I frequently am amazed at coincidences that occur in my world. Perhaps coincidence is not the correct term to describe what I mean either.
Last week current GF and I went out to eat. We went to a restaurant that is located only a few miles away from the house that I have lived in for more than four years.
I had never eaten in that restaurant before. In fact, without GFs prodding I probably still would never have eaten in that restaurant.
We wandered in and took an inordinately long amount of time perusing the menu. Many menu items seemed to be appealing and it was hard to choose just one.
The day before I had woken up in the morning thinking about my GF just prior to the current one. Not in a loving or I miss her kind of way. I was thinking about how she had likely followed me on my previous blog as she knew about the old one. I think that she was following what was going on in my life by reading that blog. About two months or so after I killed that blog she suddenly called and left a very apologetic message for prior events. However, I knew her for enough time to know that she uses apologies as a way to insert herself back into the life of someone whom she has wronged in one of a variety of different manners. I once heard her on her cell phone trying that technique with an old friend from high school. The former GF is so toxic that finally the high school friend did not fall for her attempt to re-initiate contact.
Short story long was that I had woken up that morning thinking about how I had deleted that message from my cell phone just recently. Listening to her syrupy voice attempting to reel me in again like a fly to sugar was just nauseating.
I should have taken the thinking about her cell phone message as a fair warning from my psyche.
Why you might ask?
Because the very next day current GF and I go to this restaurant that I have avoided for years, and who walks out from one of the tables located in the back smoking section but crazy syrup voice girl. She gave me a longer than needed look I think to make sure that I was paying attention. She then tossed her head and hair as if to remind me that I was missing what she considers to be some juicy goodness...e.g..herself. Then she proceeded to leave followed by her step-siblings, her husband, and her mother and step-dad.
Current GF became quite upset and had a bout of what if you want to leave me to go back to her emotions. I'm not sure that I ever was fully able to convince current GF that reuniting with former GF is not even remotely on any map for my future.
Former GF does not even live in the same state as me any longer, yet, what a coincidence to see her at that once visited restaurant. Current GF says she will never have an appetite to eat at the place again.
Sort of sad as she originally wanted to eat there as that restaurant had been getting some good reviews in local publications. They also had the best onion rings that I have ever eaten.
Perhaps smart reader you also noticed that as former GF left she was followed out by her "husband." She married a dude and I was so happy to see them still together.
Hopefully she will stay on that side of the fence and unsuspecting lesbians country wide will be spared the possibility of having any type of relationship with her.
Remember, if you hear a syrupy sappy voice move quickly to an exit and be grateful to escape.
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